Friday, December 21, 2007

File under WTF

Surely I couldn't take off for Christmas and not leave you with something to put under your Hanukkah bush. Before beginning my holiday journey, I wanted to give you something to make you scratch your head and ask, "WTF?"

While running a search (as librarians are wont to do) a few weeks ago for images featuring the tag "Vanpool" I discovered, to my profound disturbance, the following:

First off, the excessive exclamation point use is fatiguing my eyes!!!

Second, nothing says 100% pure, unadulterated white trash than squirrel huntin' to commemorate the eve of Christ's birth.

Third, in response to "What's better than taking a kid squirrel hunting?" Well, um, lots of things. Spending time together without engaging in blood sport is always good. Or a brisk walk to burn off some calories and squirrelicidal energy. Engaging in a circle jerk with your fellow brain-dead, red neck, fundamentalist ilk while thinking about an essay you could write titled, "Camo, Why it's Not Just for Black Tie." Then there's always museums, a good book, planting a tree, participating in the political process, volunteerism, starting a band, handicraft, or, say,teaching a child about the concept of compassion.

Fourth, kids and guns = genius.

Fifth, "A future squirrel hunter"? Is this something that one aspires to? I can offer nothing but pity to this young man if "doubling his lifetime squirrel kill in one evening" is the pinnacle of his achievements.

Sixth, Alec, don't go back soon. In fact, run as far as your wee chubby legs will carry you away from the bumpkin trolls masquerading as parents who care for your well being. Run into the embrace of tree people, a homeless person, or even a reasonably well-mannered cat as they would make a far more suitable guardians than either one of slack jawed yokels entrusted with your care.

Seventh, on the upside, with a name like Vanpool, this suave bastard is going to be beating the ladies off with a stick.

Happy holidays, everybody!

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